Jokes...

[Viv]

Jokes etc, post them here...except for Mountain Mike, I have heard his jokes and they are NOT funny :D;)

Kill myself laughing every time I hear this:

http://politicalfever.org/redirect-to/?redirect=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.chumfm.com%2FMorningSho w%2Fbits%2Fmarch24.swf

[bay]

Hope i'm not breaking any rules, but if I am, it's not the first rules I've broken in my life, LOL:D

http://img222.imageshack.us/img222/4165/posterpm3.png


now I really must get to work!

[Viv]

Well it worked for them...?? Their attendance increased by 30% per cent. Bayrab, can you not do something, you are good with critturs...;)

Praying' dog at Japanese temple

http://i227.photobucket.com/albums/dd18/VivR/_44510966_conan_afp203b.jpg

Conan the dog joins the priests at Jigenin temple at prayer time
Attendance at a Buddhist temple in Japan has increased since the temple's pet, a two-year-old dog, has joined in the daily prayers.
Conan, a Chihuahua, sits on his hind legs, raises his paws and puts them together at the tip of his nose.

"He may be showing his thanks for treats and walks," says a priest at Jigenin temple on Okinawa island.

Priest Joei Yoshikuni would like Conan to meditate, but "it's not like we can make him cross his legs", he says.

"Basically, I am just trying to get him to sit still while I meditate," he told Associated Press news agency.

Mr Yoshikuni said it only took Conan a few days to imitate the motions of praying.

"I think he saw me doing it all the time and got the idea to do it too," he said.

Jigenin temple now gets 30% more visitors than it did before Conan joined in the prayers, Mr Yoshikuni said.http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/7310993.stm

[miriya]

http://b.imagehost.org/0321/motivator8595603.jpg

[Viv]

Hehhhh Miriya...you would make a cat laugh...:D

[miriya]

http://b.imagehost.org/0321/Motivator-YuriSmart-Ass1.jpg
:P

happy to please, so did you want to hug hilter

[bay]

New Wine for oldies

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily producePinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a newhybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to maketo the bathroom during the night.



The new wine will be marketed as:







PINO MORE




P.S. I HEARD THIS THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE

[bay]

Women's Ass Size Study

A new study has just been released by the American Psychiatric
Association about women and how they feel about their asses.

The results are pretty interesting.

5% of women surveyed feel their Ass is too big,

10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small,

and the remaining 85% say they don't care;
they love him; he's a good man, and they
would have married him anyway.

OK, wipe that smirk off your face....

[An Céachta Dearg]

Erm Great and craicin comedy, only really get it though if ur irish

Part One:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=jQblXFrzlnk

Part Two:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=BDC5DGPJ1CI&feature=related

[miriya]

Women's Ass Size Study

A new study has just been released by the American Psychiatric
Association about women and how they feel about their asses.

The results are pretty interesting.

5% of women surveyed feel their Ass is too big,

10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small,

and the remaining 85% say they don't care;
they love him; he's a good man, and they
would have married him anyway.

OK, wipe that smirk off your face....

why its true, dont I dont understand why they would be with a man :P

[miriya]

http://b.imagehost.org/0327/qanda.jpg

[IrishRepublican]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FudP7meoCas

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WeS4IpxzNqA

[Viv]

Women's Ass Size Study

A new study has just been released by the American Psychiatric
Association about women and how they feel about their asses.

The results are pretty interesting.

5% of women surveyed feel their Ass is too big,

10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small,

and the remaining 85% say they don't care;
they love him; he's a good man, and they
would have married him anyway.

OK, wipe that smirk off your face....

I....can't....

giggle...

:D

[Viv]

A woman gave birth to a baby in a hospital. When she's recovered, the doctor came to speak to her.
"Your baby is in good health, but there is something important I need to tell you."

The woman became worried.

"What is it, Doctor? What's the matter with my baby, please tell me what's wrong?"

"There's nothing really wrong, but the baby is a little...different. He's a hermaphrodite."

"HERMAPHRODITE??? WHAT IS THAT?!"

"Well...it means that your baby has...he has all the equipment of both a man and a woman..."

The woman turned pale:

"OMG...you mean he has a penis AND a brain?"

[miriya]

http://a.imagehost.org/0187/indignity.jpg
http://a.imagehost.org/0187/Lesbians.jpg
http://a.imagehost.org/0187/Cute.jpg
http://a.imagehost.org/0187/Overkill.jpg
http://a.imagehost.org/0187/1168730186849.jpg

[bay]

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

> Dear Diary,
>
> For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week
of personal training at the local health club for me.

> Although I am still in great shape since being a high school
football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to
go ahead and give it a try.
>
> I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
>
> My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The
club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
>
> __________________________________________________ ___________
> MONDAY:
> Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it
was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda
waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond
hair,dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
>
> Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed
watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class
after my workout today. Very inspiring!
>
> Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is
going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
>
> __________________________________________________ ___________
> TUESDAY:
> I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air
then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
>
> __________________________________________________ ___________
> WEDNESDAY:
> The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
>
> Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered
other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in
the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is
VERY annoying.
>
> My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help
me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
>
> __________________________________________________ ____________
> THURSDAY:
> Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.
>
> Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not
looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to
find me.
>
> Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I
sank.
> __________________________________________________ ____________
> FRIDAY:
> I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
>
> Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn
barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
>
> The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?
>
> __________________________________________________ ___________
> SATURDAY:
> Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I
lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching
eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
> __________________________________________________ ___________
> SUNDAY:
> I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend
over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
>

[donquixote99]

Heh.

I've always liked this classic:

This guy was touring up in Scotland, and in a little seaside village he feels the need for some refreshment, and ventures into a humble little pub. A few locals are at tables in twos and threes, and there's one old man alone at the bar. The visitor sits at the bar too, and he'd just been served when the old man gets up and moves to the stool next to him. The visitor grudgingly greets him, sure that his ear is about to be bent. And the old man launches right into it....

"Lad, look out there to the field. Do ye see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me MacGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Naaah..."

Then the old man gestured at the bar.

"Look here at the bar. Do ye see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down with me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor for eight days. But do they call me MacGregor-the-Bar-builder? Naaah....

Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ye see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me MacGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Naaah...."

Then the old man looks around nervously, making sure no one is paying attention, then leans forward to be heard as he lowers his voice. "But...ye fuck just one goat..."

[bay]

haha, that made me LOL! don quixote

[Viv]

Heh.

I've always liked this classic:

This guy was touring up in Scotland, and in a little seaside village he feels the need for some refreshment, and ventures into a humble little pub. A few locals are at tables in twos and threes, and there's one old man alone at the bar. The visitor sits at the bar too, and he'd just been served when the old man gets up and moves to the stool next to him. The visitor grudgingly greets him, sure that his ear is about to be bent. And the old man launches right into it....

"Lad, look out there to the field. Do ye see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me MacGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Naaah..."

Then the old man gestured at the bar.

"Look here at the bar. Do ye see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down with me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor for eight days. But do they call me MacGregor-the-Bar-builder? Naaah....

Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ye see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me MacGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Naaah...."

Then the old man looks around nervously, making sure no one is paying attention, then leans forward to be heard as he lowers his voice. "But...ye fuck just one goat..."

:eek: I felt sure when I saw the word Scotland, that this was going to be about money...and how tight we are with it...

There are no goats in Scotland.:D :p

[bay]

well, apparently there was at least one, on MacGregor's farm, PMSL!

[donquixote99]

There are no goats in Scotland.:D :p

Sure, and these are just skinny sheep, right?

http://www.camusnagaul.com/scottish/scottishgoat5.jpg

These photographs were taken using a telepho lens from the other site of the main road between Camusnagaul and Dundonnell, I was within about 20 metres from the goats, with snow falling down around my freezing arms as I had forgotten to put on my jacket in my haste to walk back from the car to take the photographs of the goatshttp://www.camusnagaul.com/scottish/scotlandwildlifepictures-wildgoats.htm

[Viv]

Sure, and these are just skinny sheep, right?

http://www.camusnagaul.com/scottish/scottishgoat5.jpg

http://www.camusnagaul.com/scottish/scotlandwildlifepictures-wildgoats.htm

LMAO...I don't know but they have the funniest lookin faces I've seen for a while...lolll..
Never have I seen such a thing and I travel about the country a fair bit and hill walk and such. That old guy must've been quite fast and cunning to catch one of them...:D
Now if you were talking about sheep, that would be a different matter. Scotland is heaving with sheep.:p

[Chookie]

............he lowers his voice. "But...ye fuck just one goat..."

One must take grave exception to this scurrilous allegation. Mr MacGregor did not have sexual relations with a Goat.

Mr MacGregors hobby is, in actuality, sheep-shagging.

[Viv]

One must take grave exception to this scurrilous allegation. Mr MacGregor did not have sexual relations with a Goat.

Mr MacGregors hobby is, in actuality, sheep-shagging.

You see? And if anyone knows all about that, it would be Chookie...lol...:D









runs for cover....

[An Céachta Dearg]

Q. What's Blue, white, red and funny?
A: A bus load of Rangers supporters going over a cliff.


Q: What have Rangers and a 3-pin plug got in common?
A: Their both absolutely useless in Europe.


Q: What's the difference between a busload of Rangers fans and a Hedgehog?
A: On a hedgehog, the pricks are on the outside.


Q: Why did the Gers fan NEVER cross the road?
A: He was waiting for the Green Man to turn Orange.

Young Sean finds an orange sash lying in the gutter as he walks down the Falls Road and decides to take it home to show his parents.
"Look what i've found lying in the gutter" he tells his father as he steps in the front door. "What you doing with that sash in this house ??" says his father "throw it in the fire !"
So off he goes to throw the sash in the fire when he bumps into his mother in the kitchen. "What you doing with that sash in this house ??" says his mother " throw it in the bin outside !"
So off he goes to throw the sash in the bin outside when he bumps into his big brother. "What you doing with that sash in this house ??" says his brother "throw it out on the gutter !"
"Oh for f*** sake" says Sean. "I've been an orangeman 10 minutes and already i've been re-routed 3 times !!".

[Viv]

Q. What's Blue, white, red and funny?
A: A bus load of Rangers supporters going over a cliff.


Q: What have Rangers and a 3-pin plug got in common?
A: Their both absolutely useless in Europe.


Q: What's the difference between a busload of Rangers fans and a Hedgehog?
A: On a hedgehog, the pricks are on the outside.


Q: Why did the Gers fan NEVER cross the road?
A: He was waiting for the Green Man to turn Orange.

Young Sean finds an orange sash lying in the gutter as he walks down the Falls Road and decides to take it home to show his parents.
"Look what i've found lying in the gutter" he tells his father as he steps in the front door. "What you doing with that sash in this house ??" says his father "throw it in the fire !"
So off he goes to throw the sash in the fire when he bumps into his mother in the kitchen. "What you doing with that sash in this house ??" says his mother " throw it in the bin outside !"
So off he goes to throw the sash in the bin outside when he bumps into his big brother. "What you doing with that sash in this house ??" says his brother "throw it out on the gutter !"
"Oh for f*** sake" says Sean. "I've been an orangeman 10 minutes and already i've been re-routed 3 times !!".

Ah yes, the old ones ARE the best...:D:p

[An Céachta Dearg]

Ah yes, the old ones ARE the best...:D:p

specially when there true:D:D

[donquixote99]

That old guy must've been quite fast and cunning to catch one of them...:D

People can acomplish amazing things, when they are motivated....


Scotland is heaving with sheep.:p

So Mr. Plough tells us. ;)

[An Céachta Dearg]

So Mr. Plough tells us. ;)

Im not Scottish so i wouldnt know!!!:p

[bay]

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves

whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each
group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should d efinitely be of the
feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1 No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be

Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

[Viv]

People can acomplish amazing things, when they are motivated....




So Mr. Plough tells us. ;)

Oh...it must have been a good-looking one...:D

Bay...but la computadora is still feminine!!

I thought it was because it has to organise all the boring stuff you can't be bothered remembering yourself, reminds you of birthdays and appointments, does your thinking for you and behind the scenes it does ALL THE HARD WORK...:D

[Viv]

Hmm...I really hope this is not racist...:eek:

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (You MUST read them aloud) English - Chinese

That's not right! - Sum Ting Wong
Are you harbouring a fugitive? - Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP - Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man - Dum Fuk
Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table! - Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift! - Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here! - Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet! - Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone! - No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week! - Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight - Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka
Your body odour is offensive - Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great - Fa Kin Su Pa

[An Céachta Dearg]

Hmm...I really hope this is not racist...:eek:

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (You MUST read them aloud) English - Chinese

That's not right! - Sum Ting Wong
Are you harbouring a fugitive? - Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP - Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man - Dum Fuk
Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table! - Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift! - Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here! - Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet! - Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone! - No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week! - Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight - Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka
Your body odour is offensive - Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great - Fa Kin Su Pa


racist

:eek::eek::eek:
STONE HER STONE HER :p

[Viv]

[quote=TheRedPlough;5587]racist

:eek::eek::eek:
STONE HER STONE HER :p


Stop it, you beast, I feel guilty already....:eek::p

[Viv]

Hmm...I really hope this is not racist...:eek:

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (You MUST read them aloud) English - Chinese

That's not right! - Sum Ting Wong
Are you harbouring a fugitive? - Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP - Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man - Dum Fuk
Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table! - Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift! - Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here! - Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet! - Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone! - No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week! - Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight - Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka
Your body odour is offensive - Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great - Fa Kin Su Pa

I am totally gonna do you in, Red...!!!

[An Céachta Dearg]

I am totally gonna do you in, Red...!!!

How? When? Why?:p:p:p

[Viv]

How? When? Why?:p:p:p

YOU are NOT FUNNY.

[An Céachta Dearg]

YOU are NOT FUNNY.

Im sorry:(:(

[donquixote99]

No PC again, Viv?

Shuun, Shuuuunnn......

[miriya]

Note were they are looking XD

http://b.imagehost.org/0422/Lesbians.jpg

[ali]

I dont get it:(

[donquixote99]

I dont get it:(

You've got a guy looking at the floor, which is reflective, so we assume in this context that he's enjoying the view up the dress of the girl in green.

You've got a girl looking at the floor too, which is the gag, so to speak.



(If you don't already think that lesbians are magical, there's not much to it.)

[bay]

CAPE BRETON LOVE STORY

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite biscuits wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favourite biscuits.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Nova Scotian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon.




'F**k off' she said, 'they're for the funeral.'

[Viv]

No PC again, Viv?

Shuun, Shuuuunnn......

Don't shunnn me Don...please...well as I'm going down for it anyway, I may as well tell my last oriental joke..

Did you hear the one about the chinese couple who divorced? She went back to Peking and he went back to Wan King...

NOW I will be SHUNNNED....:p

[donquixote99]

A a construction jobsite in the US, a bunch of cargo was delivered at once. There were a few hundred bags of cement on big pallets, a huge pile of bricks in a disorganized pile, and a big stack of boxes of various supplies. The foreman hires three laborers, a Russian, a Mexican, and a Korean, to deal with the stuff.

He says to the Russian "You're in charge of the cement."

He tells the Mexican, "You're in charge of the bricks."

And he turns to the Korean and says "You're in charge of the supplies."

Then he leaves. When he comes back, the bags of cement are gone, the Russian has carried each one to where it is needed on the jobsite. "Great work!' he tells the Russian.

The Mexican, meanwhile, has taken the pallets as the Russian emptied them, and neatly stacked all the bricks on them, sorted and ready for use. "Great work!" he tells the Mexican.

However, all the boxes of supplies were still piled where they'd been, untouched. "Hey, what is this?" the foreman exclaimed. "Where's that Korean?"

At that moment the Korean jumped out from behind the boxes, arms outstretched, and yelled "SUPPLIES!"

[bay]

ooooooooooooooooooo groaning here Donquixote!

[Chookie]

A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the service the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!

[Segep]

ROFL! I love that one, I'm going to tell it at work tomorrow...to my mostly female coworkers :p

[Chookie]

Three women are standing in an lift. They're all pregnant. One of them says, "You know, I read somewhere that you can tell the gender of the child by what position you conceived. We did it missionary, so I'm gonna have a boy."
The other one looks at her and says, "I was on top, so it must be a girl."
The two look at the third, a blonde, and wait for her reply.
She's quiet for a minute and then blurts out, "Oh my God!! I'm having puppies!!!"

[An Céachta Dearg]

Your stuck in a lift with a Cobra, a Lion and an Englishman

You have a shotgun with two shells

What do you shoot?


The Englishman.........................Twice

[Chookie]

Your stuck in a lift with a Cobra, a Lion and an Englishman

You have a shotgun with two shells

What do you shoot?


The Englishman.........................Twice

Well, naturally...............it's what they're for.

[MountainMike]

little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****."

[MountainMike]

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God , USA , they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through

Washington, DC., and those crooks deducted $95.00 in taxes.

[bay]

LOL, these last three are good!

[Viv]

little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****."

MIKE...you stole this one...and I know from whom...:p

[Viv]

Your stuck in a lift with a Cobra, a Lion and an Englishman

You have a shotgun with two shells

What do you shoot?


The Englishman.........................Twice

LMAO

[Viv]

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, one had to let go.

The men argued and fought and weren't able to designate a person. Then the woman spoke.

She said she would voluntarily let go of the rope because as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her
husband and kids, or for men in general and she was used to always
making sacrifices, with little in return. As soon as she finished her
speech, all the men started clapping...

:p

[miriya]

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, one had to let go.

The men argued and fought and weren't able to designate a person. Then the woman spoke.

She said she would voluntarily let go of the rope because as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her
husband and kids, or for men in general and she was used to always
making sacrifices, with little in return. As soon as she finished her
speech, all the men started clapping...

:p

You got to love those smart guys XD

[miriya]

http://b.imagehost.org/0460/indignity.jpg

[Viv]

You got to love those smart guys XD

Ahh men...not big on thinking...:D;)

[bay]

Your stuck in a lift with a Cobra, a Lion and an Englishman

You have a shotgun with two shells

What do you shoot?


The Englishman.........................Twice

that's a no brainer! Where I live, remove the word Englishman and insert the word Conservative.

[bay]

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'

'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.

'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.

'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.'

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveler asked.

'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'

'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'

'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog.

'There should be a bowl by the pump.'

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.


The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.

'This is Heaven,' he answered.

'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'

'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.'

'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'

'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'

[miriya]

lovely

[Phædrus]

Politics (n) - (Pahl-ih-ticks) [Origin: Latin, "Poly" as in many, "tics"]
1.) Many blood sucking insects
2.) Someone with Turret's Syndrome
3.) A description of the number of ticks a clock makes while you wait for a politician to do something

[Al Fatiha]

A man had joined a monastery to become a monk. It had a very strict code of conduct. Awake at 4:30am, work all day, and pray untill late into the evening. And there was absolutely No talking allowed. In fact you were only allowed to speak 2 words every 7 years.

When the first seven year anniversy arrived , all of the other monks assembled and the new monk was allowed the speak his 2 words. As all of the other monks stood around the man, the head monk motioned for him to utter his two words. He said "food's bad".

Now 7 more long years of working hard all day, with hours of prayer into late into the evening, had gone by. It was the man's 14th year and he was allowed to speak two more words. Again, the whole monastery gathered to hear what was going to be said. The head monk motioned for him to speak. "Beds hard" came out of the mans mouth.

Work, pray, work, pray; all done in total silence. Another seven years had gone by, 21years in all. And now it was time for the man to be allowed to speak another two words. Like before, everyone gathered together and the man stood in front of the assembly and spoke his two words; "I quit" he said.

The head monk then looked at the man saying "that dosen't surprise me", replied the head monk, " all you have done is complain every since you have been here".

[Chookie]

A Senior Lecturer at a Medical School in Edinburgh gets a surprise one afternoon when one of his best students approaches him in a state of acute distress. Telling the student to have a seat, relax, and puull himself together, the lecturer asks what the problem is.

“It's where I live, I can't stand it any more Doc” moans the student, “I need to find somewhere else to live.”

“What the Hell is wrong with where you live?” says the lecturer “You are in the most luxurious Halls of Residence in our fair city, which means you are in the best halls in the whole of Britain.”

“I know that Doc, “ saith the student, “It's this new policy of mixed living quarters, it's driving me crazy. Every night, when I'm trying to study, I have to push away beautiful young nurses who have returned drunk from a night out on the town and are hungry for sex, then more sex and then even more.”

“I see,” says the lecturer “how can I help?”

The student says “ Either move me, or, preferably, break my arms.”

[MountainMike]

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

[MountainMike]

One day Mrs. Murphy went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Father," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the priest. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Murphy is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Murphy dozed off. Noticing
this, the priest put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Murphy.

"Jesus!", Paddy Murphy cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Murphy," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Murphy nodded off again. Again, the priest noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Murphy.

"God!" Mr. Murphy cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the priest, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Murphy again winked off. However, this time the priest did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Murphy mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The priest asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Murphy poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ***!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

[miriya]

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

[Chookie]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! !
"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No, " she replies. . . . "

"You just happened to catch my eye."

[Chookie]

And God created Woman, giving her three breasts.

God spake to the Woman thus:- “ I have created thee as I saw fit, is there anything thou woulds't like changèd?”

And Woman spake in this manner - “God, I am not made to birth whole litters, I need but two breasts”.

“Thou speakest wisely, as I have made thee wise, it shall be so”. There is a blinding flash and Woman is stood there with only two breasts – God is holding the excess.

Sayeth Woman “What dost thou with the useless tit?”



















God created Man.

[miriya]

http://b.imagehost.org/0512/motivator9041652.jpg

[miriya]

http://b.imagehost.org/0585/Lifelesson.jpg

[bay]

DIVORCE VS. MURDER A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.' The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?' The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.' mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your
husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'
Chris says (1:30 PM):
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

[bay]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat .
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

[Viv]

I apologise, I know it's in very bad taste, it's just a JOKE.

The Austrians are staging a remake of "The Sound of Music".

They've changed the name of the family to the Von Trappeds...

[quirk]

I apologise, I know it's in very bad taste, it's just a JOKE.

The Austrians are staging a remake of "The Sound of Music".

They've changed the name of the family to the Von Trappeds...

Not the first joke I have heard about that family today.

[An Céachta Dearg]

Not the first joke I have heard about that family today.

ut its the first you read:P

[Viv]

I know. The other was something about his having a cellar conversion company, 25 years experience...:o

[bay]

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee, while another foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tees.
> >
> > The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely.Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.
> >
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, 'I guess all those f--king lessons I took over the winter didn't help.
> >
One of the men immediately responds, 'Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead!'
> >
He never even had a chance to duck.

[bay]

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts i t over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

[donquixote99]

That joke is as old as I am, at least! :D

But since we're speaking of old timers....


Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting. For $5.00 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.

"Ah, you’ve chosen the romantic evening in my room," says the old man.

"Get serious," she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair."

[bay]

ROTFLMAO... good one DonQ

[bay]

OMG, I hate to admit it, but this is soooo me


A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
>
> "Please note that this Bank is installing new
>
> Drive-through ATM machines
>
> enabling customers to withdraw cash
>
> without leaving their vehicles.
>
> Customers using this new facility are
>
> requested to use the procedures outlined
>
> below when accessing their accounts."
>
>
>
> "After months of careful research, MALE
>
> & FEMALE Procedures have been developed.
>
> Please follow the appropriate
>
> steps for your gender."
>
> MALE PROCEDURE:
>
> 1. Drive up to the cash machine.
>
> 2. Put down your car window.
>
> 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
>
> 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
>
> 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
>
> 6. Put window up.
>
> 7. Drive off.
>
>
>
> **********************************************
>
> FEMALE PROCEDURE:
>
>
>
> Unfortunately, most of this part
>
> is the Truth.!!!!
>
>
>
> 1. Drive up to cash machine.
>
> 2. Reverse and back up the required
>
> amount to align car window with the machine.
>
> 3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
>
> 4. Find handbag, remove all contents
>
> on to passenger seat to locate card.
>
> 5. Tell person on cell phone you will
>
> call them back and hang up.
>
> 6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
>
> 7. Open car door to allow easier access
>
> to machine due to its excessive distance
>
> from the car.
>
> 8. Insert card.
>
> 9. Re-insert card the right way.
>
> 10. Dig through handbag to find diary;
>
> with your PIN written on the inside back page.
>
> 11. Enter PIN.
>
> 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
>
> 13. Enter amount of cash required.
>
> 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
>
> 15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
>
> 16. Empty handbag again to locate
>
> wallet and place cash inside.
>
> 17. Write debit amount in check register
>
> and place receipt in back of checkbook.
>
> 18. Re-check makeup.
>
> 19. Drive forward 2 feet.
>
> 20. Reverse back to cash machine.
>
> 21. Retrieve card.
>
> 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
>
> holder, and place card into the slot provided!
>
> 23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
>
> 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
>
> 25. Redial person on cell phone.
>
> 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
>
> 27. Release Parking Brake.
>
>

[bay]

DOES NO ONE HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR HERE????

ok, you asked for it....

How Dogs And Men Are The Same

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.

2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

3. Both mark their territory.

4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.

5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

6. Neither does any dishes.

7. Both fart shamelessly.

8. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.

9. Both like dominance games.

10. Both are suspicious of the postman.

11. Neither understands what you see in cats.